I can't tell you what it really is,
I can only tell you what it feels like,
And right now's a steel knife in my wind pipe.
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight.
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight.
High offa love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer,
I suffocate.
And, right before I'm about to drown,
she resuscitates me, she fucking hates me,
and I love it, wait -
Ah, blog, I'm back.
So, not much has been a-happening recently, and frankly, I find myself boring in my own blog so I'm trying not to blog meaninglessly every day (except on Tumblr). I've been thinking about something rather important things...again.
So, people have pointed out to me that i can be very negative about myself, even when it's unintentional. Well, I've examined that, personally. I thought, you know, I have all these REASONS to have a problem with self-worth. I justified it to myself for freaking years. To be fair, there are reasons, there is more than enough justification. But, where does that get me, eh?
So, I said to myself, 'Now, Frankie, a lot of bad stuff may have happened and it may have hurt you badly...but, you're an adult now and you've gotta stop being a little girl about it.'
And, naturally, since I said it to myself, there was no reply, or wise answer...so I went with it.
Y'know, I just kinda thought, I might feel awful about myself, but, at the end of the day...people aren't going to care whether you tell them or not. People care about themselves, and if you hurting will help them, then they're not going to help you out. And, after realising I couldn't just believe there was a good side to everyone, I've come to the conclusion that though it may mean being a bit tougher and not always so easy to agree to the ideas of others, it'll help me in the end.
Though, it's gotta be said: 'No one currrrr 'bout Sam'. That aside, I believe that if anyone truly awesome comes along, they won't need to be told, they'll just know. Naive, I know. But, it's kinda one way or the other...be honest and open with people about who you are and how you feel, or, don't be and don't get hurt.
So, woot for me. It's only taken me 14 years.
Anyway, I just thought I'd write it down, because...haha, you can't tell anyone that stuff directly.
I've thought that maybe, though sometimes it's scary to stand up to the people you care about, as you're worried they just don't care, or you'll lose them...sometimes you just have to. It's not cool for people to treat you badly, and if you don't say anything, you may still have them in your life, but they'll still be hurting you, so...what's the point in them being a part of it? if you're just going to worry, you may as well try and resolve it. Better to try, then be a coward all your life.
In any case, positive me will hopefully become permanent. And, if it doesn't...when I go to university I'll change my name, never visit my old friends and pretend I had a perfectly happy childhood. Bang, done. Then I'll become a spy, or join the army, get shot and it'll be an awesome death. I am joking.
But, I definitely like the idea of a new start at uni. I need to learn to not trust people so easily.
In other news, I've been re-watching True Blood Season one...I preferred Eric's hair is S1, truth be told...it was really hot. But, his accent was a bit too put on. I know Alexander Skagard HAS an accent, but he's putting it on slightly in S1. In S2, it's toned down (like his hair).
Also, I still find the two parts in episodes 3 and 4 where Sookie's fingering herself (or what looks like it anyway) really kinda creepy and un-necessary to the story. They should have stuck closer to the book with that, because it's out of character. I mean, they got the rest right, how Sookie shies away from intimate moments or 'rude' talk at Merlotte's. That part, it's a visual representation of the nervousness Charlaine Harris describes in the books. Then consider, though Sookie's a telepath and knows all the dirty things everyone's thinking, she's a virgin, she's 25 and is terrified of intimacy with men, and thinks anything sexual, or sexual thoughts are bad, because she's Christian. A Christian in Louisianna. Need I say more to prove that she wouldn't just be like 'Oh, yeah, I think I'll finger myself on the front porch of the vampire I fancy's house'. Errr...no.
Also, Anna Paquin...why?! Just...why? Personally, she didn't present herself as an amazing actress in the X-Men series to me. I mean, Rogue was my favourite character...but, I was nine, and at an age where all my favourite characters were girls because they were girls. Then I realised, duh, one you get to a certain age you fancy boys so...then all your favourite characters are men. So, now that I'm older, I see that I only thought she was cool because of her name, and the fact she was the only young girl on the good team.
Now it's Logan...God, Logan. Hugh Jackman...phwoar. Anyway, that aside, AP was VERY good in Fly Away Home, and I still love that film. But, i can't see why she got a gap between her teeth for TB.
That just strikes me as vain. Because, it's claimed that people find people with gaps between their front teeth more attractive, and certainly men apparently find it more sexually attractive. Even if that's so...I still think that Anna Paquin looks ridiculous with that massive gap between her front teeth. if it were subtle, it'd probably look awesome, but she's actually got quite small lips so it makes her teeth look like they're going to fall out. Not attractive. Her smile isn't all that nice either, and even as a straight girl i can tell when a girl has a nice smile. She's not one of them. The whole point of Sookie is she's this bubbly, blonde with a massive but lovely smile but everyone thinks she's crazy. Certainly, AP manages to act a bit queer even when she's around the vampires, which strikes me, she's probably just weird to begin with, nothing to do with telepathy.
I don't know, I know it all sounds very bitchy about an actress, but I'm not satisfied with how she plays her character. I mean, I LOVE TB, but...the first season was a bit off. Why was Tara such a bit character? She's not even in the first book for more than five minutes. And, Lafyette, he dies at the end of the first book...why's he in S2? And, all that crap about Tara's mum and deamons...that was so irritating, because they made a bunch of crap up to go along with the character of Tara and it made it stupid. Tara does have two alcoholic parents, and siblings that have left before her. But, she's not living with her mum in the books...and actually Tara runs her own clothes shop and is very polite. There's no one like TV-Tara in the books. Also, Jessica never exists in the books. Eric's maker isn't Godric. And, just generally...there are some big flaws in how they chose to tell the story.
On another note, I wasn't surprised when AP married Stephen Moyer.
To be honest, I can't be bothered to finish this right now, so another time, I'll continue on other shows.
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