Love The Way You Lie

I can't tell you what it really is, 
I can only tell you what it feels like,
And right now's a steel knife in my wind pipe.
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight.
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight.
High offa love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer,
I suffocate.
And, right before I'm about to drown,
she resuscitates me, she fucking hates me,
and I love it, wait -


Ah, blog, I'm back.

So, not much has been a-happening recently, and frankly, I find myself boring in my own blog so I'm trying not to blog meaninglessly every day (except on Tumblr). I've been thinking about something rather important things...again.
So, people have pointed out to me that i can be very negative about myself, even when it's unintentional. Well, I've examined that, personally. I thought, you know, I have all these REASONS to have a problem with self-worth. I justified it to myself for freaking years. To be fair, there are reasons, there is more than enough justification. But, where does that get me, eh?

So, I said to myself, 'Now, Frankie, a lot of bad stuff may have happened and it may have hurt you badly...but, you're an adult now and you've gotta stop being a little girl about it.'
And, naturally, since I said it to myself, there was no reply, or wise answer...so I went with it.
Y'know, I just kinda thought, I might feel awful about myself, but, at the end of the day...people aren't going to care whether you tell them or not. People care about themselves, and if you hurting will help them, then they're not going to help you out. And, after realising I couldn't just believe there was a good side to everyone, I've come to the conclusion that though it may mean being a bit tougher and not always so easy to agree to the ideas of others, it'll help me in the end.

Though, it's gotta be said: 'No one currrrr 'bout Sam'. That aside, I believe that if anyone truly awesome comes along, they won't need to be told, they'll just know. Naive, I know. But, it's kinda one way or the other...be honest and open with people about who you are and how you feel, or, don't be and don't get hurt.

So, woot for me. It's only taken me 14 years.
Anyway, I just thought I'd write it down, because...haha, you can't tell anyone that stuff directly.
I've thought that maybe, though sometimes it's scary to stand up to the people you care about, as you're worried they just don't care, or you'll lose them...sometimes you just have to. It's not cool for people to treat you badly, and if you don't say anything, you may still have them in your life, but they'll still be hurting you, so...what's the point in them being a part of it? if you're just going to worry, you may as well try and resolve it. Better to try, then be a coward all your life.

In any case, positive me will hopefully become permanent. And, if it doesn't...when I go to university I'll change my name, never visit my old friends and pretend I had a perfectly happy childhood. Bang, done. Then I'll become a spy, or join the army, get shot and it'll be an awesome death. I am joking.

But, I definitely like the idea of a new start at uni. I need to learn to not trust people so easily.

In other news, I've been re-watching True Blood Season one...I preferred Eric's hair is S1, truth be told...it was really hot. But, his accent was a bit too put on. I know Alexander Skagard HAS an accent, but he's putting it on slightly in S1. In S2, it's toned down (like his hair).
Also, I still find the two parts in episodes 3 and 4 where Sookie's fingering herself (or what looks like it anyway) really kinda creepy and un-necessary to the story. They should have stuck closer to the book with that, because it's out of character. I mean, they got the rest right, how Sookie shies away from intimate moments or 'rude' talk at Merlotte's. That part, it's a visual representation of the nervousness Charlaine Harris describes in the books. Then consider, though Sookie's a telepath and knows all the dirty things everyone's thinking, she's a virgin, she's 25 and is terrified of intimacy with men, and thinks anything sexual, or sexual thoughts are bad, because she's Christian. A Christian in Louisianna. Need I say more to prove that she wouldn't just be like 'Oh, yeah, I think I'll finger myself on the front porch of the vampire I fancy's house'. Errr...no.
Also, Anna Paquin...why?! Just...why? Personally, she didn't present herself as an amazing actress in the X-Men series to me. I mean, Rogue was my favourite character...but, I was nine, and at an age where all my favourite characters were girls because they were girls. Then I realised, duh, one you get to a certain age you fancy boys so...then all your favourite characters are men. So, now that I'm older, I see that I only thought she was cool because of her name, and the fact she was the only young girl on the good team.
Now it's Logan...God, Logan. Hugh Jackman...phwoar. Anyway, that aside, AP was VERY good in Fly Away Home, and I still love that film. But, i can't see why she got a gap between her teeth for TB.

That just strikes me as vain. Because, it's claimed that people find people with gaps between their front teeth more attractive, and certainly men apparently find it more sexually attractive. Even if that's so...I still think that Anna Paquin looks ridiculous with that massive gap between her front teeth. if it were subtle, it'd probably look awesome, but she's actually got quite small lips so it makes her teeth look like they're going to fall out. Not attractive. Her smile isn't all that nice either, and even as a straight girl i can tell when a girl has a nice smile. She's not one of them. The whole point of Sookie is she's this bubbly, blonde with a massive but lovely smile but everyone thinks she's crazy. Certainly, AP manages to act a bit queer even when she's around the vampires, which strikes me, she's probably just weird to begin with, nothing to do with telepathy.

I don't know, I know it all sounds very bitchy about an actress, but I'm not satisfied with how she plays her character. I mean, I LOVE TB, but...the first season was a bit off. Why was Tara such a bit character? She's not even in the first book for more than five minutes. And, Lafyette, he dies at the end of the first book...why's he in S2? And, all that crap about Tara's mum and deamons...that was so irritating, because they made a bunch of crap up to go along with the character of Tara and it made it stupid. Tara does have two alcoholic parents, and siblings that have left before her. But, she's not living with her mum in the books...and actually Tara runs her own clothes shop and is very polite. There's no one like TV-Tara in the books. Also, Jessica never exists in the books. Eric's maker isn't Godric. And, just generally...there are some big flaws in how they chose to tell the story.

On another note, I wasn't surprised when AP married Stephen Moyer.

To be honest, I can't be bothered to finish this right now, so another time, I'll continue on other shows.

The Drug In Me Is You

My bodies tremblin' sends shivers down my spine
adrenaline kicks and shifts into overdrive,
your secrets keep you sick your lies keep you alive
snake eyes every single time you roll with crooked dice
I felt the darkness as it tried to pull me down
the kind of dark that haunts a hundred year old house
I wrestle with my thoughts I shook the hand of doubt
running from my past i'm praying feet don't fail me now!

I've lost my god damn mind, 
it happens all the time,
I cant believe I'm actually
meant to be here,
trying to consume,
the drug in me is you
and I'm so high on misery
cant you see!

Hello, blog,
It's been a while.
It comes to something when you're writing a blog entry simply because you realise the only friend you have who give a crap is actually a tonne older than you...and has kids. I feel like a bloody housewife sometimes, considering only actual adults seems to enjoy talking to me! What's that about, eh?
And, then you start listening to 'Somewhere Only We Know', and you want to cry, because it's like the theme song to the end of everything, and Harry Potter is over, and you've seen it twice since Midnight on the 15th. The world is just tumbling, and winding itself into some strange mass of confused thought and you just don't know what you're doing any more. You don't know who your friends are, because they're all so two-faced, and it feels like they're ignoring you...it's oppressive, like the walls are closing in on you...and you just can't breathe. And, then the S key on your keyboard keeps not working, and it's a shame because S is quite useful at the end of some words.

Well, I mean, I know I have friends...but, when there are things you need to say, and you can't say them because there's always something holidng you back...and before you know it it's either too late, or you have to hurt someone.
I guess, since only one person reads my blog, really, it's not a big deal to spill what's been going on in my life.

Okay, so...literally...why are men so complicated? You always hear people say 'Men are simple.' to quote Gerard Butler's character in The Ugly Truth, anyway. So, if men are so 'simple' why can't they just be blunt, and honest, and not mess you around? I mean, seriously...films, and men make out that everything they're after is sex...just sex. But, at the end of the day, seperate from that, I know so many boys who've walked away from things purely sexual, or people they feel don't have emotionally attachments to them. So, why is it different the other way around?

I'm pretty sure I'm just ranting, but I've recently realised some important things, mainly that I am quite unhappy right now...no surprises there. But, honestly, why can't people be more straight-forward.
My friend made a move on me and he has a girlfriend, my other friend asked me on a date because his best friend likes me, my friend's ex keeps flirting with me, and the person I actually like? Yeah, seems to be ignoring me. What the hell. And, now I'm seriously missing Jamie, but I haven't spoken to him in ages, and I'm worried he's caught up in something fishy again, and I don't want anything to happen to him.

At the end of the day, I think...I need to get away from everyone who's messing things up. I don't know how I manage to give people the wrong idea...I mean, because I had a conversation with someone it means I like them? So, they started hitting on me? What?!
What am I supposed to do, and how do you tell someone who's your friend in a nice way that they're making you feel uncomfortable by being all over you? And...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Just want things to be okay...no drama, no worrying, no ignoring or having to say goodbye to someone because they're not honest with you. I don't want to have to go through shutting a friend out of my life because of nothing of any relevence.

I hate Keane now. Blah, blah, blah. Die in a fire, life. This rant never happened.

Memories

Oh memories where'd you go
You were all I've ever known
How I miss yesterday
And how I let it fade away
Where'd you go-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

When July became December
Their affection fought the cold
But they couldn't quite remember
What inspired them to go

And it was beautifully depressing
Like a streetcar named desire
They were fighting for their love
That had started growing tired .
I haven't blogged in ages! Well, ages acorrding to Kitkat, anyway. So, I'm ni the middle of my exams, with my photography project due and I can't be bothered to do anything right now so I'm watching and Alfred Hitchcock film called Spellbound, it's very good. I preferred Rear Window though.

The other day, I was sitting on the train, and I was thinking 'Hey, I have a lot of stuff I wanna do in the summer...I should write it all down so I don't mix stuff up' so here's my list of stuff to do and I will cross it off over the summer. :D

1. Go to Oceana with Geo and possibly others. (this has been suggested to me by him and will happen at some point.)

2. Meet up with Sii, probably go out for a meal, and maybe let his GF come, too. Since, I have known her far longer than him.

3. Bar with Wills, but, I'm not sure where haha.

4. Get a summer job at Game!

5. Cinema with DB.

6. Cinema with Annss.

7. Go to see Chicago with my mum.

8. Visit Emz in Peterborough, or have her come and visit me in London.

9. Guild Meeting at H's.

10. Guild Meeting at A's if he invites me. XD

11. Theatre with Kitkat, I'd like to see The Lion King! Rahhhhh.

12. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II in cinema with Annss.

13. Pool party and Char's house.

14. Sleepover at Annss's house...with the Xbox and lots of Robot Wars and Doctor Who episodes!

15. Expo with Phia.

16. Late birthday with Tiffs people in the park (joint with Phia)

17. Meet-up with La, Lee etc.

18. Complete NPLQ once again.

19. Archary course.

20. Go to the beach with someone...!

21. Camden trip with Kitkat.

22. London with Kitkat.

I cannot think of much else to speak about, so I won't do any of my usual stuff on here, merely say...

'Live long and prosper, DFTBA!'

and, I'm off to 'sleep, perhaps to dream.'

My Heart Belongs To You

Through the window of my soul
All the secrets that I hold
Will be yours to share for always, always

Like a whisper in the wind
A gentle breeze touches my skin

And I know you’re with me always, always
I can feel it in the air
The fire that we share
Can only come from deep within
It’s a light that burns so bright
It guides you through the night
And leads you to me...

Konbanwa, mon amis!
Well, that was a jumbled greeting.

I'd like to start by saying, I have finished Norwegian Wood *Fist pump*, however, I may re-read it. I found the characters so...well, sad. But, also, they were realistic, unfortunate characters but...obviously that kind of stuff happens. Though, there is one part of the story I don't understand, and that is the last line!
And, some other people are wondering the exact same thing as I on Flickr forums etc.
It doesn't make senseeeee. I may have to write to Murikami-Sensei and ask. It's too open. it's sounds like he died. :(

Anyway, I went to photography Kiki today, she now has pink hair.
I went and helped out at youth club, and all the new little year sixes joined and they were lovely. They apparently love me. Awww.
I'm too tired to concentrate. I'm going to fall asleep...

Live Long and Prosper, DFTBA!



Butterflies and Hurricanes

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now.

So, the long weekend has ended and we're back at college.
No surprises there, though, it really would have made more sense for college to just keep is in college an extra week, make revision week last week and then have the Royal Wedding off.
I had a nice time at my Grandma's, and did lots of photography coursework - yes!

Today is Tuesday/ Wednesday. I am currently reading Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, which is actually ridiculously interesting. It's set in Tokyo, Japan 1968, moving on from there. Really fantastic use of symbolism, I can see why it was such a major sucess in Japan at the time he published it in 1987. There is so much history there, it's just overwhelming. I adore this book! And, I've only had two hours to actually read it. I should be done by tomorrow, 'cause I'm half way through. Apparently, there has been a film made of it, so I'd like to see if it's playing in London in the Foreign Cinema.

I finished Dead In The Family, of course, and rewatched H2O for giggles. It's so funny.
I really have very little to say today aside from the fact that I watched six Disney movies yesterday while doing my photography (with my mother...poor mother.). Today, Geo gave me a ride on his scooter. It was amazing fun, it's exhilerating, but terrifying at the same time. Rather like being on Lara's bike, but less so.
I will write more tomorrow, since I've forgotten my day and anything interesting I had to say.

Love long and prosper, DFTBA!

There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet

"Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that "I'm a diva!"
Oh and the smokes in that cigarette box on the table,
they just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin.

I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it.
Because you say so under your breath.
You're reading lips "When did he get all confident?"

Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
Never looked better, and you can't stand it"

I loveeeee Jensen Ackle's face in this. It's hilarious, just hilarious.
Oh, well, I don't have time for a long blog post but:

My day went a little like this...
My mother woke me up at eleven because ' The Queen is on her way!', I didn't take this to mean, much as that would have gotten me out of bed PDQ, that The Queen was actually on her way to our humble abode. I took it to mean it was today, and therefore Kate-And-William's-Wedding. So, I rolled over and went back to sleep, until my mother called me again to say The Queen was leaving in the car, so I got up. I trundled out to the living room (even though the television had been on in my bedroom with the Royal Wedding flashing away on it) and sat where my mother had been until foolishly vacating her seat for sustenance. 'I am so crafty, like.' *cough*

So, like normal British people, we watched The Royal Wedding, which I thought was...well, honestly it was truly lovely and I really enjoyed it. I won't forget the fact that they quoted Romans 12:11, 'Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord.' Which, I personally, really found a nice touch.
I felt very proud to be British, I almost cried...but, I resisted because my mother would have laughed at me.

Then, I played a bit of Garden Dash on Big Fish until they were on the Balcony and there was kissing! <3 >.< Kawaiiiiiiii! Haha. I thought it was so sweet. Then, my next door neighbour brought home a puppy and I went outside to play with said puppy - which is called Trigger, and the cutest fucking darn thing since kittens - and he really liked me. That also made me happy. He's a tiny puppy, and I will take a photo, because he's that adorable! XD

After that I had to hustle off down to Asda and buy some Apples (red ones) for my photography. It was annoying because I went to THREE grocers on my way to Asda looking for apples to see if they had any, and none of them sold apples, and one place told me, "We don't sell fresh apples here."
What the fuck do they sell? Rotten ones? Who doesn't sell apples at a grocers?

Then, I went and got the 65 to go to Ham and meet Nana...no, her name isn't actually apple!
I stayed on the bus for too long and ended up in Richmond. Then, I went on the bus going the other way to get back. I met her about half an hour late, and we went to a park near the loch, where I took a bazillion photos of her as Snow White. We had a bit of a rant about two people we don't like, then I got the bus home. Just in time to grab a drink and a chocolate bar, then ran down my road to Richmond park and met Lizzie and (to my surprise) Lara.

I was using Lizzie for my photography, too. And, I had asked Lara, but...she said she was too busy and then she was there, and I was ridiculously pleased to see them after so long. We all hugged a lot haha. They had gone to a street party before, so both of them had face paint on. Lara looked like The Joker.

Blah, blah, blah. Lots of photos and hugs later, we all said goodbye and (since I live down the road) Lara gave me a lift on her bike. So, that means, I sat on her bike seat, and she stood up and cycled. It was so terrifying (because we kept wobbling) and in order to not wobble, Lara had to cycle fast, which gave me less balance...I also had to keep my legs out of the way. It was so scary on the main road, and so fun. I want to do it again!

So, we didn't crash, and they dropped me off at home and I went inside. Since then...all I have done is play on my Tumblr: http://katnissandthehunger.tumblr.com/ , link it to my Twitter...which I never use, talk on Skype, watch Star Trek and  look on Facebook.

I've also been trying to find the video of people from The Guild dancing to Moskau...but, I can't find it. XD Shame.

Anyway, on to my daily Thirty Day song challenge which is anything but daily. XD
Day Four - A song that makes you sad
That would be...

It makes me want to cry...:/ Brings back so many memories that I dearly miss...and, I hate the fact that I can't have them in my life any more because of some stupid person with a Snape nose. Eurgh.

I want my happiness back, please.

Anywayyyy, it's time for me to leave home (temporarially) and go to Wales so
Final words: Live long and prosper, DFTBA!
'I'll speak to it though Hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace'

Frankie, Newly-Discovered-Patriot.

Gee

Thirty Day song challenge....song three - song that makes you happy.
There is one of my many ones:

I forgot it before. XD